The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
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Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
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I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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