Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
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if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
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they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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