I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
this beer tastes like vomit already
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Everclear isn't food dammit
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize