the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
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I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
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Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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