I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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