Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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