3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
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Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
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Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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