I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
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He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
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Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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