I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
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I'm passing your future prison.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
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make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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