Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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