"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
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