I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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