oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
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She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
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tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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