i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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