I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
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I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
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I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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