Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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