i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
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searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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