Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
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I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
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She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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