He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
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