remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
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K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
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And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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