Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
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Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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