Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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