Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
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Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
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drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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