her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize