mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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