I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize