He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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