You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
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Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
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The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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