I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
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