man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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