why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
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there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
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I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
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