My sheets look like a crime scene.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
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After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
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I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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