thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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