Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
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Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
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You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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