Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
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It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
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The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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