So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I will be naked everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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