Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
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I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
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Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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