i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
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Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
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WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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