my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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