That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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