I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
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I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
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Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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