I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
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You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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