So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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