How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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