He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
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She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
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I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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