I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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