You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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