my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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