ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
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Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
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There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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