So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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